


All You Did Will Be Undone

by INeverHadMyInternetPhase



Series: QPR Verse [2]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: 2009 Phan, Asexual Character, Cuddles, Fluff, M/M, Queerplatonic Relationships, basically what 2009 would have looked like if they were ace and in a QPR
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-24
Updated: 2017-02-24
Packaged: 2018-09-26 15:51:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,544
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9910049
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/INeverHadMyInternetPhase/pseuds/INeverHadMyInternetPhase
Summary: What 2009 phan would have looked like if they were ace and wanted to be in a QPR





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [charlottekath](https://archiveofourown.org/users/charlottekath/gifts).



> Happy birthday, Charlotte! This entire QPR verse I have planned would not exist without chatting to you about ace phan headcanons so this seemed like a fitting gift <3
> 
> Title from Taxi Cab by Twenty One Pilots (thanks for making me obssessed with them too Charlotte)
> 
> Warnings for disscusions of sexual themes (no smut, they're both ace it's just them figuring stuff out)

The first time telling Dan the truth was hard.

Dan was perfect in every way – exactly what any guy in Phil’s age and situation of life should want. Except Phil. Because as much as he might try, Phil didn’t _want_ that.

Dan was perfect. He called every night without fail, even when his skype window was dimmed to the lowest brightness and he had to whisper, lips close to the microphone, for fear of waking his parents. He texted Phil every morning, and texted back promptly when Phil messaged him, and he indulged Phil’s weirder side by seeming to actually _like_ the often odd creative things his brain made.

Phil would never forget the first time he’d started to notice _danisnotonfire_. He’d popped up a few times in his notifications, sure, but it wasn’t until Phil’s Space Adventure Videos that he really started paying attention to Dan. The guy had left comments on every single part, which showed a level of obsession that not many viewers of Phil’s had. When Phil read the comments _danisnotonfire_ had left, he was unashamed to announce that he’d squealed into his pillow repeatedly.

Needless to say, Phil had felt the need to reply, and sent Dan a dm. Dan’s excited reply had only increased Phil’s growing affection, and then things just took off faster than both of them could imagine. It was only a matter of time before they were swapping facebook and skype details and then almost-daily calls became a thing, and seeing Dan’s face for the first time had made something swoop in Phil’s stomach.

That had never happened before.

A long, long time ago, Phil had come to terms with the fact that he’d never have a real relationship. He’d fumbled around some at uni, tried to figure out something that seemed alien to him, but no one seemed to _get_ it. Or maybe he just didn’t get everyone else. Either way, Phil had seen that he was apparently missing something when he watched his friends pair off happily and frequently, and he was left alone on the outside, a little bit too weird for this.

Until Dan.

Now, when Dan looked at him for a beat too long through the skype camera, or on the rare occasions Phil made Dan laugh and it made his eyes go crinkly and his often worried expression smooth out, Phil still felt that odd swoop in his stomach. He thought maybe he understood butterflies now, the way everyone said you were supposed to feel when you had a romantic interest in someone. The feeling was new, and honestly it surprised Phil who had more or less resigned himself to never wanting a partner by that point, but it was good, he thought, so Phil didn’t fight it. Instead, he let it settle, and he watched Dan back through the skype camera and felt this odd pull that seemed to say, _yeah, him_.

Whatever it was, it was the closest thing to romance Phil had ever felt.

Only then he’d learned more about Dan. About the fact that he’d just broken up with his long-term girlfriend, and Phil tried to ignore the slight tug of _jealousy_ at that. He learned Dan’s desperate fear that he’d never be accepted because he’d come to realise a long time ago that he also kind of had a thing for guys, but Phil had reassured him about that, too. Evidently, that wasn’t an issue for Phil, because the way Dan looked at him all heavy and warm did strange wriggly things to Phil’s insides.

But there were the other things Dan did that just left a slightly sour taste in Phil’s mouth.

Dan didn’t mean to do it – Phil was certain of that. He’d seen Dan in his softest moments, late at night when his eyes were fuzzy with sleep and first thing in the morning when he was yawning and his voice was all squeaky and muffled and he blinked at Phil out of a frankly ridiculous nest of blankets. The Dan of those moments made Phil’s heart ache – soft, happy, everything Phil could ever want in life.

But then there were the other times.

Mostly in the evenings, when they were both chatting in their rooms and Dan’s eyes would go dark and heavy and he’d start to murmur _things_. Things that would have been inappropriate if he’d still been in a relationship with his girlfriend, and were still incredibly terrifying to a Phil who was really, really not ready to confront this sort of thing.

“I really need to get laid,” Dan said casually one evening, making Phil choke on his coffee. It was nothing more than a passing comment, the kind of easy casual way they had of talking to each other when they were both increasingly more comfortable in each other’s company. But it still had the power to make Phil choke.

He _hated_ this kind of thing. Already he could feel his chest constricting and his stomach tying itself up in knots, and Dan had done nothing more than allude to something perfectly normal for teenagers. Or so Phil had been told.

So he gave a weak smile back to Dan and managed a quiet, “Yeah?”

“Fuck, yeah.” Dan flopped over backwards on his bed and gave Phil a _look_. From under his lashes, biting his lower lip. “It’s been _ages_.”

Phil’s already weak smile trembled. He didn’t know what to do with this. He knew – or he _thought_ he knew, at least – that Dan felt some interest back at him. After all, he called Phil endlessly, tweeted him at every possible opportunity, and told other people on twitter to back off if it looked like Phil was paying more attention to them than he was to Dan. Dan’s actions could easily be called _jealous_ , unless Phil was reading too much into them.

But if he wasn’t, and Dan really did want him back, then that – that would involve something like _this_.

Something Phil really, really wasn’t comfortable with.

This was ridiculous. He was supposed to be the mature one, even if more often than not it felt like Dan was the older one between them. Regardless, Phil was the one who was supposed to be experienced, to know how to direct them. But he _didn’t,_ or at least, he didn’t want to. So he hid every time Dan brought up something like this, changing the subject as quickly as he could without being rude.

Dan didn’t seem too disappointed, at least. He always went with whatever lame topic Phil would drag up, humouring him even when he was being a mess. But it made Phil feel bad, made something unpleasant twist inside his stomach, like a reminder that he could never, ever be good enough for Dan.

Of course Dan would want more. So Phil had to force himself to at least _try_.

He looked at Dan now, flopped on his back in his bed with his eyes all warm and dark and his expression heavy. This was supposed to be the ideal, wasn’t it – to have the person you’re interested in lying all open and willing before you. Phil just didn’t know what to _do_ with it, but he was far too terrified of losing Dan, and so he was going to try.

“I like looking at you like that,” Phil murmured to start with. After all, that wasn’t a _complete_ lie. He liked the way it felt to see Dan’s fringe flopping down into his eyes, and he liked the way Dan’s face softened when he looked back at Phil.

“Yeah?” Dan answered, his tone all low and alluring.

Phil swallowed. “Uh. Yeah.”

“Good,” Dan continued after a beat, in which Phil panicked about what on earth he was supposed to say next. Dan stretched out obviously on the bed, arching his back, eyeing the camera. “I like you looking at me like that.”

Phil managed not to choke out loud. He kept his face impassive and hoped it came across as interested – at least enough to keep Dan placated, or from running away because he thought Phil was prudish or innocent or judgemental, or something. Instead, Phil rushed to add, “Good. That’s – good. I like looking at you, Dan.” Again, not a complete lie. In fact, if Phil kept his eyes trained solely on Dan’s face and nowhere else, he very much liked the view.

Dan’s entire face split into a smile, then, a wide honest one that made his eyes crinkle up and glimmer out through his far-too-long fringe. “You too. Is it bad that I’m literally counting down the days to meet you in person?”

“Not bad to me,” Phil answered, and that was the most honest thing so far. He was rewarded with another giant beam from Dan which made Phil’s stomach wriggle all over again.

Maybe he could pretend for long enough to make this work.

\---

Phil definitely couldn’t pretend for long enough to make this work.

Things were getting progressively worse the closer it got to Dan coming to meet Phil.

Well, no, progressively _worse_ wasn’t quite the right way to describe it. Dan was still amazing. They still had hours long discussions about the proper characterisation in their favourite anime, or arguments over the merits of a Muse song against a Radiohead song, or Dan would still gush over Phil’s most recent videos. Those conversations were still the best, and only getting better with time.

It was the other moments that were bad – the ones where Dan pushed at Phil, and then got worried when Phil couldn’t respond without freezing up.

The trouble was, Phil was _really_ trying. Every time Dan said something suggestive, or bit his lower lip and stared right at Phil, or went into explicit detail about his favourite dynamics within their shared anime ship, Phil could feel himself freezing. And he _really_ needed to get a grip, because every time he froze, Dan would send him a worried look and ask, “Are you alright?”

“’Course I am,” Phil would always answer immediately, unsticking his tongue from the roof of his mouth.

“Are you _sure_?” Dan pressed, and then in the beat of silence that followed, “I mean – I don’t have to come up, or like, if you’d rather meet in a public place first – or if you’d rather come here first—”

“No,” Phil answered quickly – too quickly, because Dan’s face fell and that was Phil’s least favourite expression in the world. Phil let out a frustrated sigh. “No, you idiot, of course I still want you to come here.”

That was true – Phil had never wanted to meet someone so much before. Now there were only eleven days before Dan would be sitting on a train up to Manchester and Phil would be on his way to the train station to meet him, probably arriving ridiculously early because Phil really couldn’t bear to be late. He’d met online friends before – PJ being the one he was closest with – and they’d always gone well, at least for the most part. Phil thought he had that part figured out.

He was just kind of terrified of what Dan might do, or what Dan might expect from him.

Dan right now was giving the camera a serious look, before he looked away and gave this small little smile that made his dimple appear and Phil wanted to wrap him up in his arms.

“Good,” Dan murmured almost too softly for the microphone to pick up. “I really, really like you, Phil.”

Phil’s heart was in his mouth. “Same.”

“No, but like,” Dan lifted his head and looked Phil straight in the eyes, and Phil’s stomach dropped. “I really _like_ you. Actually, properly, not-just-friendly like.”

Phil’s stomach swooped and erupted, something shooting down his spine and making him curl forward and press both hands to his mouth. He could feel his stupid smile happening behind his fingers, the stupid one where his tongue showed, so he ducked and hid and could feel his cheeks going red.

Dan chuckled from the camera. “Is it a good thing that you’re hiding from me?”

“It’s a very good thing,” Phil promised from behind his hands, peeking up through his fringe at Dan. “And same, Dan. About everything.”

Dan’s answering beam was everything Phil could have wanted.

\---

Later that night, Phil lay back in his bed staring at the ceiling, nowhere closer to falling asleep than he had been hours ago. It was 3am, way later than he usually stayed up, but he just… couldn’t get his brain to shut up. Dan had fallen asleep on skype hours ago, and Phil had left his screen up in a probably worryingly stalker-ish way, his laptop balanced by his pillow showing him the darkened sleepy lump that was Dan.

He looked relaxed. Calm, happy. Everything Phil could possibly want.

Except that Dan was going to hate him.

Phil couldn’t help but feel like he’d been leading Dan on. As much as he wanted to let himself be incredibly happy that this wonderful person _liked him back_ , his happiness was tainted by a hint of fear. The same old fear that had haunted him all through his fumbling through his uni days – _he just wasn’t enough_.

He never could be enough. He didn’t _want_ to be enough. He wanted to hold Dan’s hand and take him out on dates, in fact he’d already planned to take Dan to the sky bar and really treat him. Dan deserved to be spoiled, and Phil loved to spoil people, and he wanted this weekend to be perfect for both of them. He was going to collect Dan from the station and show him all around his city, cling to him as much as possible, hold his hand and cuddle him if Dan would let him, but…

But that was all. The thought of going any further than that made Phil sick to his stomach.

He should just force himself to try it. He had before, after all, at uni, but he’d never got further than taking his clothes off before having to run to the bathroom and throw up. He didn’t want to do that to Dan. Even the thought of hurting Dan like that terrified him, and as much as Phil wanted to believe it would be different with Dan, he knew himself well enough to know that wouldn’t be the case.

He just wasn’t built that way. And it made him an awful person, because Dan was going to expect it and Phil was all but leading him on at this point.

He had to tell him.

It was the only fair way.

Phil turned his head against his pillow, dragged his duvet up until it was wrapped up under his chin, and stared at his laptop where he could see the top of Dan’s sleeping head. His hair looked so fluffy, curling a bit at the edges, and his face was all smooth and young looking. Young, Dan was so young, and it was almost terrifyingly easy to forget that sometimes. They just clicked so well, but Phil knew he would never ever take advantage. Dan was already fast becoming the most important thing in his life.

“I just want to be fair to you,” Phil whispered towards his laptop, and watched as Dan shifted a bit in his sleep, but didn’t open his eyes. Phil almost willed him to, just so he could get this conversation over with while he was still feeling brave enough to do it.

But then he really would lose Dan forever.

Phil stared at Dan for a long time, and then went back to staring at the ceiling, and wished sleep would help him shut up his worried thoughts.

\---

Eight days before Dan was due to arrive, Phil finally gathered the courage to tell him.

Or at least, that’s what he was sternly telling himself as he sat on his bed and stared at his laptop screen, open on a window with Dan. He just had to hit _call_ and Dan would pick up, he knew that already, but was he – was he really ready?

“Phil?” His mum’s voice called from the doorway, and then her head appeared around the side of his bedroom door. “Just popping to the shops, do you want anything?”

“More cereal,” he answered instantly. “And marshmallows.”

“You’re a menace,” she told him, and then caught sight of the staring contest he was currently having with his laptop. She gave a small knowing smile. “Does he know yet?”

Phil blinked, glanced up at her, and gave a small smile. “Yeah. He likes me back.”

His mum’s little squeal of excitement made Phil grin, but it also scared him. She’d always been wonderfully accepting of him having crushes on boys too, but he’d never actually brought someone home before. He knew she’d been worried about him being 23 and never having had a proper relationship, and now Phil felt awful that he might have to end it with Dan so early because he couldn’t get his body to work properly and want something that made him sick to think about.

He just had to grit his teeth and tell Dan already, get the cord cut before they got closer and it hurt even more.

“I’ll leave you be,” his mum said with a wink, and then backed up out of his door.

Phil waited for the front door to snap shut, and then he went back to staring at his laptop screen, still open on his skype chat with Dan. It would be so easy just to press _call_. Phil really wanted to see his face again.

He just didn’t want to deal with the way Dan’s expression was going to crumple, and then he’d get angry and hang up and never speak to Phil again.

But even that was better than hurting him by leading him on.

Eventually, Phil just went for it. He pressed the _call_ button and sat with his heart in his mouth, and then as soon as Dan’s face appeared on his screen and he grinned and started saying hello, Phil was blurting out, “I don’t want to have sex with you.”

There was a startled squawk from the screen, and then Dan rolled over sideways and there was a muffled thump and a groan.

Phil blinked. “…Did you just fall off the bed?”

“ _No_ ,” Dan grunted, his voice sounding very muffled. The skype call window was currently only showing a heap of blankets, and then there was some ruffling and Dan’s head appeared over the top of them, his hair a curly mess, his eyes dim.

Phil laughed, all fear temporarily forgotten. “Oh, you _did_. You’re adorable.”

“Shut up!” Dan was dimpling, though, his eyes warm and soft as he clambered his way back up onto his bed, flopping down on his stomach and looking up at the camera with a gaze that held so much warmth, Phil’s breath caught in his throat.

He really, really did not want to lose this.

“What did you say?” Dan asked carefully once he was back in position, and Phil gulped. His throat was closing up, but Dan didn’t leave him in agony for long. “You don’t want to have sex with me, is that what you said?”

Phil swallowed. It sounded harsh, said like that, out in the open. He flinched despite himself.

“Um,” Phil managed to say into the silence a moment later. “No, I – I don’t.”

Dan was staring at the camera with an unreadable expression – and Phil would kill to know what was going on inside his brain just then.

“You don’t?” Dan asked eventually, his voice small.

“No, but like, it’s _my_ fault,” Phil rushed to try and explain, and winced when Dan just looked more confused than ever. “Like, Dan, I – will you let me say something?”

“I’ll always let you say anything,” Dan answered, but his tone was already getting miserable and he looked sad and oh, this was the worst thing Phil had ever done in his life. “I mean – if you don’t want this you could have told me, I would have dealt with it—”

“I _do_ want this,” Phil interrupted sincerely.

Dan sent him a flat look.

“I do!” Phil was quick to defend himself, but when Dan’s face just crumpled up some more, Phil rushed to add, “Look, just – give me five minutes, ok, let me explain?”

There was a silent minute that stretched on forever, in which Dan stared at Phil for so long that Phil was sure he was just going to say no. But then Dan relented, and gave a tiny little nod.

“Ok.” Phil let out a loud breath, and then sat forward so he could wrap his arms around his knees. “Ok, so – so I don’t want to have sex with you.”

The skin around Dan’s eyes tightened.

“But I don’t want to have sex with _anyone_ ,” Phil was quick to reassure. He lifted a hand when Dan just gave him a confused look. “Just listen? Please?”

“Alright,” Dan nodded again, but his voice was still all small and he still looked very confused.

Phil let out a breath, hugging his knees in close to his chest. “It’s like, I’ve just – I’ve _never_ wanted to have sex, ok? I mean, I’ve _tried_ – I really _tried_ , but I’m not like you, I never had a relationship, I never really wanted one until you started stalking me—”

Dan made a noise of complaint, but Phil sent him a look and then kept on talking. “I don’t know, just, you’ve been the first person in my life I can see myself with. Just – just not like that.”

Dan was quiet for a moment. He wasn’t looking at the camera, instead staring down at his blankets and picking at a fraying edge, and Phil’s heart was hovering in his mouth.

“Like what, then?” Dan muttered eventually, still staring down at his blankets. “If not like that, then like what?”

Phil bit his lip, thinking hard. He hadn’t lost Dan yet – not yet, he didn’t have to give up hope yet. If he could just frame this properly.

“Like,” Phil answered gently, “Like, I want to take you out to fancy restaurants and buy you soft toys and let you borrow my hoodies. Like I want to hold your hand and show you around my favourite places and talk to you for hours on end. Like I want to cuddle with you and touch your hair and introduce you to my mum. Like that.”

Dan had melted a bit. He gave a little wriggle, the sound of the blankets rustling loud through the crackly skype reception, and then Dan’s pixelated warm brown eyes were glancing back up at the camera, finally, and Phil was drowning in his gaze again.

“I want that too,” Dan whispered back, so quietly Phil almost didn’t catch it.

Phil had to close his eyes for a moment. The room span with his relief. “Are you sure? I mean, could you be _happy_ with just that?”

“Phil—” Dan started, but Phil shook his head, interrupted him again.

“No, I need you to be serious – are you going to be ok with _just_ that? Because honestly, I don’t think I could ever give you anything more.”

“Phil—”

“And it isn’t fair, because you deserve everything, you deserve someone who could give you everything and if I’m not that person then I’d rather you just told me now—”

“Phil!” Dan exclaimed loudly, and Phil shut up abruptly, staring startled into his webcam. Dan rolled his eyes, but the movement seemed – affectionate? “What on earth gave you the idea I wanted to have sex with you?”

Phil almost choked. As it was, he just spluttered very unattractively and could feel himself going very red in the face. “Oh. I – _oh_. Have I been reading this wrong, then?”

“No,” Dan continued, and was he actually _smiling_ now? “Well, not exactly.”

“I don’t understand,” Phil confessed weakly.

“What’s not to understand?” Dan shuffled about a bit, his feet kicking up into the air as he lay on his stomach and avoided Phil’s eyes again. “I want all the same things as you. So let’s just – get on with that, shall we?”

Phil snort-laughed. “How romantic.”

“Shut up.” Dan curled up in a defensive little ball, moving about so much that Phil was having trouble tracking his movements. “I mean, clearly we want all the same things, so it’s _fine_.”

“Are you _sure_?” Phil hedged. He wanted to just believe that, to drown in something he never thought he’d _find_ , but he just – couldn’t believe Dan really meant it.

After all this time, with how suggestive Dan had been getting with every new call, every new text or tweet or dailybooth, Phil had been _sure_ this would be a dealbreaker. He still kind of believed it – because how could Phil be enough for someone like Dan, really?

Dan shuffled about a bit, and then his face crumpled. Phil’s heart lurched. He reached for his laptop screen, like that would somehow help close the distance between them, and just seeing how Dan looked absolutely _miserable_ sealed it for Phil.

He’d ruined everything.

“It’s ok,” Phil said hollowly. “Like, don’t feel bad – I get it, I know it’s not enough—”

“No, it _is_ ,” Dan insisted, but he was snivelling and Phil felt absolutely _awful_.

“Dan, please—”

“Shut _up_ , Phil,” Dan insisted thickly, and ok there were actual tears in his eyes now, and this was the first time Phil had ever seen Dan cry. Shit, he’d made Dan _cry_.

“I didn’t think this was possible,” Dan muttered after a moment, wiping irritably at his nose and lowering his face until it was mostly hidden in the blankets.

“Don’t be embarrassed.” Phil leaned into his screen, eyes flicking everywhere he could see bits of Dan – the top of his head, a stray curl, the way his fingers clutched at the blanket he was hiding behind. “Just – tell me, Dan, talk to me, _please_.”

A hollow chuckle sounded from somewhere in the blanket. Dan didn’t emerge, but he _did_ start talking, the words hard to catch through the thick material. “I didn’t think it was _possible_. I thought – once you meet someone and decide you want to date them, like, that’s it, the only option is sex and stuff. So I thought, if I could just get that bit out of the way, then it would be over and then you’d be happy and we could get to the better stuff.”

Phil stared at the screen, dumbfounded.

“Which sounds really dumb now I say it out loud,” Dan muttered, still hidden behind the blanket. “I mean, it’s _you_ , I should have known you’d – but – I didn’t _know_ – I mean, is that why you’ve been looking so terrified whenever I mention coming to visit you?”

“I wasn’t _terrified_ ,” Phil argued, still trying to get his head around what Dan was saying.

Dan snorted. “Yes you have been. You’ve gone white as a sheet every time I mention it.”

“I’m pale!” Phil defended himself, but Dan just chuckled again before finally lifting his head out of the blankets and sending Phil a soft, warm look.

Phil melted. He leaned in close to his screen again, drinking in as much of Dan as he could, and asked, “So – so you’re ok? I mean, if we – if we never did _that_ , are you _seriously_ saying you’d be ok with it?”

“I’m saying I’d be fucking _relieved_ ,” Dan answered. “I didn’t even think it was an _option_ , to just not do that – I mean – it doesn’t mean you don’t—” he went pink, cut himself off.

Phil picked up where he thought Dan was going, and beamed. “No, it doesn’t mean I don’t still care about you.”

Dan let out a surprised little laugh.

“I care about you so much,” Phil murmured, watching the way it made Dan wiggle again. “ _So_ much, but I just – you’ve been getting all suggestive, and I felt awful for leading you on – I mean, of course you’d want something normal, but I just know I really _don’t_ , and I was sure I’d lose you but it was fairer, you know? Because you deserve to be happy.”

“ _You_ make me happy,” Dan answered lowly. “I don’t want anything else.”

Phil melted. “You really mean that?”

Dan nodded. He smiled at Phil, wide enough that the corners of his eyes just started to crinkle, and then asked, “So I can still come and visit, right?”

“You’d better, or I’m flying to Wokingham to steal you,” Phil answered immediately, shocking another laugh out of Dan. “But until then, can you go and make your dog bark at the camera again?”

Dan snorted. “Needy as fuck, you are.” But he still got off his bed, smile wide and bright and grinning, and picked up his laptop to carry downstairs.

\---

Four days before Dan’s arrival, Phil called PJ.

Phil was freaking out. Sure, things had been going better with Dan than he’d ever dared to imagine, especially since they’d ironed out exactly what they wanted. It was still hard, and Phil still had trouble believing that Dan really _was_ ok with him not wanting… certain things.

“Like, what if it means he doesn’t actually like me like that,” Phil was speaking a mile a minute down the line to PJ. “I mean, he might only be saying it to go along with me, or like, to make me feel better about it or what if he really thinks he’s coming here as a _friend_? What if I think it’s a date and then he isn’t even interested? What do I do then?”

“Phil.” PJ’s voice was calm. “You’ve been talking to him for how long now?”

Phil bit his lip. “It’s not even been that long, just – this has all happened so _fast_.”

PJ was quiet. Phil could basically hear the disapproval, and he sighed. “It isn’t _like_ that, PJ, you know that.”

“How can you be so certain, thought?” PJ argued back. “I mean, you hardly know him.”

“No, I know him.” Phil was sure about that. He thought about the way Dan looked in skype calls, how eagerly he texted Phil back, how apparent he was online leaving comments all over Phil’s videos. Phil had lost any doubt that Dan wasn’t genuine a very long time ago.

PJ sighed. “I’m just trying to look out for you, Phil.”

“I know, but you don’t _need_ to.”

“Just be careful?” PJ begged. “He’s a fan, after all – he might be trying to use you—”

“Not Dan.”

“—Or maybe he thinks this is a way to get attention—”

“Not _Dan_ ,” Phil argued, insistent. “He doesn’t even _like_ attention, he didn’t make any videos until I encouraged him.”

“So he’s already kind of used you,” PJ pointed out.

Phil stopped short.

“And are you sure it’s a good idea to invite him over when your parents are away?” PJ pressed.

Phil snorted. “ _PJ_ , that – that’s so _not_ even a problem, have you not been listening to anything I said—”

“Does Dan know that, though?” PJ demanded. “I just want you to think carefully about this. I don’t want my friend to get used.”

Phil melted a bit then. He softened his tone, answering, “He knows, Peej. We’ve talked about it.”

They had. Phil had outlined at least three more times just how much he wasn’t going to get too physical with Dan, and Dan had been more relieved each time he’d said it. Miraculously, it looked like Phil had managed to stumble across the one person in the universe who was tailored exactly to him – all the same interests, the same love of long calls and dogs and discussions about their favourite characters, and then Dan even had the same physical boundaries as Phil.

He hoped. It would all come to a head in four days’ time, and Phil was absolutely terrified.

“Just promise me you’ll be careful?” PJ asked, sounding concerned.

“I promise,” Phil answered, and felt his heart tug in his chest. It was a little too late to be careful. He’d already fallen fast and hard – and he just had to hope that Dan had fallen, too.

\---

Half an hour until Dan’s arrival, and Phil was shitting himself.

He’d arrived at the station stupidly early, but waiting alone in the house after waving his parents off that morning had not been a good idea. Phil had paced circles into his carpet, broken a glass in the kitchen, and then stared blankly at the TV until he decided it would be better to just get out of the house.

He’d caught the earliest bus, and now here he stood, on a packed station platform waiting for a train to arrive carrying the most important person in the country.

Phil hoped the train knew just how important its cargo was.

There were lots of angry-looking business people striding purposefully about, rushing up the stairs or pushing past each other to wait right by the yellow line on the platform. Phil found a little corner to sequester himself away in, by one of the beams holding up the roof, and tried not to let his heart clamber its way up out of his throat.

It felt like the train took forever to arrive. Eventually, though, the rush of the engine and clanking of the rails announced its incoming status, and the people stepped back as the announcer came on, and then the train rushed in and slowed to a halt and then the doors were opening and—

There was a guy a few doors away, awkwardly tall and hiding behind his brown fringe, eyes glued to his phone so much that Phil was amazed he didn’t walk into anyone.

Until he _did_ , and then Phil was laughing watching him awkwardly trying to apologise to the kid he’d knocked into, and then Phil was walking before he could talk himself out of it.

He covered the distance in five steps, caught the edge of Dan’s voice saying, “Sorry I didn’t – I wasn’t looking properly—”, and it was _Dan_. His voice, his eyes that skittered upwards and caught on Phil, his expression that absolutely froze.

Phil stepped around the child and grinned at Dan. “Hello.”

Dan’s eyes had widened. He stood there absolutely still and silent for a moment, phone in hand that Phil could just see was open on the text conversation with _him_ , and then Dan let out a breathless laugh. “ _Fuck_ , you’re real.”

Phil’s nerves dissipated the minute he heard Dan speak. His grin widened, and he opened his arms, and Dan stepped into them and clung on tight, and it was the best feeling in the world.

“I’m real,” Phil agreed, and crushed his arms so tight around Dan that he could _hear_ the breath whoosh out of Dan’s lungs.

“Can’t breathe,” Dan gasped, but he was smiling and leaning into Phil, all elbows and bones and sharp corners, but Phil didn’t care.

“I know,” Phil told him, and squeezed him tighter.

\---

That evening, they were curled up together on Phil’s bed, watching old fullmetal alchemist episodes on Phil’s laptop. It was an anime they’d both seen before, and discussed separately many times, so it was the best one to stick on in the background while they figured out exactly how they should be around each other.

The first cuddle attempts had ended in a lot of sharp elbows and soft winces. They were both tall and bony, and as much as Phil had dreamed about wrapping Dan up in his arms and hugging him close forever, the reality was proving much more difficult to actually bring about.

Not that he would change this for the world. He had Dan’s hair shoved in his face and Dan’s knees poking into his shins, and his arm was kind of squashed under Dan’s head where Dan had wrapped himself up all small and comfortable and pressed his face right into Phil’s collarbone, where there definitely wasn’t any kind of view of the laptop screen.

Phil didn’t complain, though. He wanted to keep this forever, with Dan curled up all tight to him and Phil’s arms holding him close.

They’d had the very best of days. Phil had kept his promise and taken Dan out on a proper date, coffee in starbucks and a fancy meal at the skybar, and then taken him all around the city and shown off all of Phil’s favourite haunts. Dan had taken it all in with bright eyes and a dazzling smile, but more often than not, Phil would look down at him to explain something only to find Dan staring straight at him.

It was almost embarrassing, how much Dan stared at him, but Phil was quickly coming to love it.

They’d come home late in the evening, and made dinner together (frozen pizza, it hardly counted as cooking), and the sight of Dan in Phil’s kitchen taking control of the washing up and closing all the cupboards behind Phil was almost too much. Dan just looked so _right_ there, Phil was hit with the possibility of a future – of having Dan in all his future kitchens.

If Dan would even want that.

They’d held hands a few times, around the city, and now Dan was tucked right up under Phil’s chin, but Phil was still kind of terrified that he was going to do something wrong. Even now, cuddling Dan and warmer and happier than he’d ever been, Phil wasn’t fully relaxed. He was scared of doing something wrong – of putting a hand in the wrong place and giving Dan the wrong idea, or scaring him away and sending Dan skittering back to the other side of the country again.

Dan shifted a bit, and Phil’s heart skipped a beat. But all Dan did was adjust himself so he could look up at Phil, head on Phil’s pillow, and remain curled up in his arms.

Phil’s breath caught a bit.

“Can I try something?” Dan asked softly, so softly Phil wouldn’t have heard him if they hadn’t been in such close proximity.

Phil swallowed, nodded.

“I think we should talk about it first, though,” Dan amended after a moment of just staring at Phil’s face. It almost made Phil self-conscious, to be stared at like that – how on earth could someone like Dan find him so fascinating?

“Alright,” Phil agreed, nudging at Dan. “What do you think we should talk about?”

There was some kind of fight sequence happening on the laptop screen, but Phil was all caught up looking at Dan just then. The way Dan was tucked up against him, curled up small on Phil’s bed where Phil had been imagining him for so long.

“I want to try something,” Dan said again, and was his voice trembling a bit? “But you can say no – like, I don’t want to make things awkward.”

“Duly noted.” Phil poked at his cheek, at where the hint of his dimple was appearing. “It won’t be awkward.”

Dan made a face at him, drew back a bit. He looked into Phil’s eyes, and he looked actually _nervous_ , his lower lip caught between his teeth, his gaze a little guarded.

“Dan?” Phil murmured, almost worried now. “Tell me, I promise it won’t make it awkward.”

Dan peeked up at him. “You promise?”

Phil nodded sincerely.

“Alright then.” Dan drew a breath, curled up a little closer. “I want to try kissing you.”

Phil spluttered.

“I just mean _try_ ,” Dan hastened to add, squirming a bit in Phil’s hold. “Like, it’s fine if it doesn’t work – and it’s fine if you don’t want to try, too, like I know – you said this kind of thing isn’t really your scene – so it’s _fine_ , ok, we can forget I ever brought it up if you want.”

Phil stared down at him, trying to read Dan’s expression. Honestly, he hadn’t been expecting that – but then, they’d never really brought it up, had they, boundaries. They’d never talked about what each of them wanted, aside from that one extremely awkward skype call.

“You want to try?” Phil asked after a moment, surprised.

Dan squirmed again. “Only if you’re comfortable.”

“Why?” Phil asked before he could stop himself.

Dan grimaced, and then hid back in Phil’s neck. “I dunno. Just – everyone says it’s meant to be good, right?”

Phil blinked. “I suppose?”

“And I do like you like that.” Dan was talking quickly now, his words warm against Phil’s throat. “I mean, I _definitely_ like you like that. So it seems like we should try?”

Phil had to bite back a smile. “So you know this is a date, then, right?”

Dan snorted. “Yeah, I think the number of times you mentioned it over skype cleared that right up.”

“Hey,” Phil shoved at him, “I just meant, you know, with – what I told you I don’t want to do – I thought maybe you’d got the wrong idea.”

“Well, I didn’t.” Dan peeked up at him again, all warm smiles and sharp edges. “So do you mind? If we try?”

Phil went silent again for a moment, thinking it over. He’d kissed a couple of people before, knew the mechanics of it, and it had never really done anything for him before. But this was _Dan_ , after all. Maybe it really would be different when you found the right person.

And Dan wanted to.

“Yeah, sure, we can try,” Phil agreed with a small shrug.

“And it won’t be awkward if it doesn’t work out?” Dan rushed to add, peeking up at Phil through his fringe. “I just want – like, I just want to check. That we’re both on the same page.”

Well, Phil definitely wanted to check that too. So he nodded, carefully untangling one hand to press gently to Dan’s cheek, guiding him closer.

Dan’s eyes fluttered shut, and he leaned in, and then they were kissing.

It was – weird. For Phil, at least. It wasn’t _bad_ , not as bad as his other kisses, but it was just – warm, and wet, and kind of nice, maybe? But still mostly weird.

Dan drew back after a moment, thankfully not too long, and Phil blinked at him. He liked the way Dan’s cheeks had gone just a little bit pink, the way he was staring at Phil like Phil meant everything again.

“So?” Phil asked after a moment.

Dan made a face. “Uh. Would you be offended?”

“Not unless you say my breath smells.”

Dan hit him, making Phil squeal. But Dan was smiling again, which was all that Phil ever wanted to see. “Honestly, it was just – not really my thing?”

“Same,” Phil rushed to agree, and let out a thankful little sigh. “I mean – it’s not _bad_ exactly, just—”

“Just not that great either,” Dan finished for him, nodding with his lower lip caught between his teeth again. “Alright. Yeah. Good. Back to cuddling now, please.”

Phil snorted. “Not until you get your elbow out of my stomach.”

“It’s _comfy_ , fuck you,” Dan muttered back, and deliberately jabbed his elbow in harder. Phil rolled his eyes, reaching out to catch Dan’s arm, warm and soft and supple against Phil’s fingers. Phil deliberately moved Dan’s arm up until it was wrapped around him rather than squidged between them, and then shoved Dan’s head back into his neck so Phil could bury his face in Dan’s hair.

“Oi,” Dan squawked. “Can’t see anything, here.”

“Shut up, you were fine there before.” Phil closed his eyes, and just breathed Dan in. He was still having trouble believing this – believing that someone could match him so perfectly. But Dan had done nothing but make it more than evident that they were on the same page for every little detail, and anything they weren’t, they could iron out pretty quickly.

Seeing Dan on skype had been perfect, but this – having Dan folded up against him, knobbly knees and bony elbows and everything – this was more than Phil could ever have imagined.

Impulsively, he leaned down and pressed a kiss to the top of Dan’s head. “You’re perfect.”

“I mean, I won’t argue with you.” Dan chuckled, accepting his fate of being smushed up against Phil by curling himself in smaller. “If you’re going to keep saying stuff like that.”

“I am,” Phil decided, nuzzling him close.

They were silent for a moment, aside from the continuing action from the anime on the laptop.

“Hey, Dan?”

“Yeah?” Dan’s voice was small and sleepy.

“How much are you fanboying over being inside my bedroom right now?”

“ _Phil_!”

“I mean, it must be like being inside one of your favourite videos, right? I’ll even sign something for you.”

“I _hate_ you,” Dan said decisively, elbowing Phil in the stomach again.

Phil couldn’t even bring himself to mind. He just gathered Dan back up into his arms and closed his eyes, breathing in the scent of the boy he’d never quite dared to imagine might actually be real.

He never wanted to let go.


End file.
